to corporate america: stop stalking my uterus!

Some time ago when I was sick with pink eye, my dad inadvertently signed me up for a Target pharmacy rewards card while picking up my prescription.  (He is still denying this fact mind you.)  However, ever since said card has been ascribed to me, I have been inundated with baby business.  It started with a few issues of something called “American Baby” and then onto Target coupons for maternity clothes and baby-esque things. I finally wrote to American Baby and asked them to stop sending me their junk mail magazine (but I have still received more issues).  Then came an onslaught of “Babies-R-Us” fliers and coupons.  To the recycle bin it all went… until last week.  Much to my surprise, I found a sizable package addressed to me on the porch.  Having not ordered anything myself, I was giddy with joy thinking someone decided to surprise me!  Well, the pastel lavender package should have been an immediate dead giveaway.  One quick flip of the box and I knew this was no gift for me, it was rather, a gift to my Corporate American Consumer identity.

According to this super-scary article about the tracking habits of Corporate America (and specifically Target) I should be having a baby.  I mean, they now know my age (a shocking 34!), my meds that I take (for a wonky thyroid), and that on my last trip to Target my purchases included a frozen (albeit organic) pizza, bottle of wine, and cookie dough.  That doesn’t exactly scream new-mom-in-the-making material to me.  But apparently these purchases along with my age and income (which they know!) have sent out smoke signals that “IT’S TIME!”

Well I’ve got news for you Corporate America, if a dying old woman with ties directly to the center of my heart can’t convince me to have a baby — then neither can you, even with all your fancy marketing material.  Lord knows I’m a sucker for good packaging and the big red box store will continue to suck me in with its affordable, semi-trendy designer goods, and newly-expanded-grocery-section (hallelujah!), BUT you cannot trick me into having a baby — or even thinking that I want one.  If anything, you are just continually reminding me of exactly why we have chosen to not reproduce.

Look, it’s not you — it’s me.  So you can stop wasting all that paper and packaging.  It’s not going to happen — at least not because of you or on your time-table.  When and if the time does come for us to make that decision, we will not be consulting the aisles of Target, Babies R Us, or any other store that sells STUFF.  Oh, and you might want to tell the tracking people that they missed they mark because pre-baby stuff has given way to post-baby stuff — starting with the TWO FREE jars of formula that were sitting on my porch last week.  (Well, maybe it was the wine that gave it away after all. I guess I will be getting a breast pump coupon next!)

8 comments

      1. Me too! I’m one of those nuts that think Government America is in the pocket of the Corporate America agenda — a la Noam Chomsky, Chris Hedges, Cornel West. 🙂

  1. 1. They need new marketers. If they were doing their job right and wanted your business they would send you wine samples and cat food.
    2. Return package to sender with a bottle of whiskey that says “Look inside to learn more about how the Jack Daniel’s Comfort Advantage may benefit YOUR life.” Now please take me off your mailing list.

  2. Well what do you know, you actually want someone out of your personal business. You better watch out with talk like that, someone might think you are a conservative. I believe you’re mistaken about corporate america and the government being the same thing. Well at least not yet thank God. You can tell corporate america to take a hike anytime you want to but you can’t tell the government to get out of your life. Corporate america controling the government is not what’s scary. It’s the government controlling corporate america thats the issue. That’s called COMMUNISIM. So if the government gets control of corporate america (and they are working hard to do so thru taxation and regulation), don’t worry about the government prompting you to have a baby. It’s a better probability they will tell you if and when you can have one and order it aborted if it isn’t the right sex. Isn’t that what they do in China???

    P.S. Drive to Target and tell them to dump you from their system. I appologize for updating your medical information when I picked up your meds for you

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